Overbooking

Lately I have been thinking about the concept of time, and how we never seem to have enough of it. This could be the result of simply over-committing ourselves to life’s everyday motions. Alternatively, agreeing to participate in something that we know will result in some other task being pushed back. It is not enough to just have a good job anymore – we now have to have a good job, successful relationship and a nice home with plenty of friends to remind us of how successful we are. However, at the end of the day, we have to stop and think about what this is inevitably doing to our mental state. For instance, I know a guy that stays to busy he can’t even set up a dinner date with friends a week in advance because he stays so over worked and stressed. True, he does love his job, but we all do in the beginning, right? This is also evidence that being so overbooked can often times lead others to question our reliability as I have found myself questioning this man’s several times. He is not a bad person because of this; he just may have some issues with both his professional and personal lives in the years to come.

There have even been instances in which I myself have fallen victim to overbooking. It has always been work related, too. Friends will inform me something is going on the day its happening and it most always coincides with a closing shift. The urge to make up an excuse to get off work early and join them is always the first thought to enter my mind, but that would be wrong on more levels than one so thus, it has never transpired. I have also found myself a second hand victim of being overbooked. The men I have dated, friends I have had, and still have, often times find themselves too busy to even grab a quick bite due to Pilate’s classes at the gym, presentations at work and even veterinary appointments. I know what you are thinking, these people are making these things up in an effort to not hang out with me, but that is not the case. I have been so bored at times that I have actually accompanied friends on such errands as these and they do in fact, hold truth to them.

In any event, we mustn’t forget that time is something that we can never get back once we’ve lost it. Days even years that have passed us by are lost to us now. Life should be about memories not seeing how many hours you can work in one week. I am not discouraging those of you that have strong work ethics, just humor me an take a day or two and spend it with a friend of family member that you have been wanting to get together with for a while. Believe me when I say that it will beat a day at the office.

Long distance

Whether you have thought about it or not, at some point in your life the topic of conducting a long distance relationship will emerge. I myself have always frowned on the idea thinking that it would never work. Because no matter whom you decide to date, they will eventually find something closer to home and leave you all by yourself. However, this is not always the case and can actually be a useless fear all together. Assuming of course that the person you are with is a trustworthy individual and is not known for cheating. Moreover, while my experience with long distance dating is very new, I have already learned much.

First, you must have an immense amount of patience. Not everything will fall together all at once. You have to give some things time and trust that if it is meant to be then it will work out. Trust also falls hand in hand with patience, as you need to be able to trust someone in a city in which you do not live so that you do not drive yourself crazy!

Also, realize that whomever you have a relationship, even someone that lives closer that 300 miles away, has a life of his or her own and does not always include you. Especially in the early stages of the relationship. They have their own friends, job, and priorities. So do not get aggravated when you do not hear back from then immediately after you send a text message. I have had to learn this one myself as I am the type of person who devotes every thought to how something will affect both me and the other person. But that’s a lesson I need to learn – think about myself more.

The best thing about being with someone who doesn’t live in the same zip code as you is the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you know you’re going to see them. A two, three or even a four hour drive can seem like an eternity when you’re on your way to visit with them. But in my opinion, that’s what makes it all worth while. Having said that, I will say that long distance relationships are hard and take an eye opening amount of work. But if you and the other person are committed, then you are in for much happiness and partnership.

An important lesson

Earlier today, I received some news that upset me, greatly. My Grandmother is in the hospital and is having trouble breathing. She has apparently been in the hospital for a few days and I am just now hearing about it. My Mom went on to tell me that she met with her doctors and they informed her that my Grandma only has about 3 months left to live … if that.

My reaction to this was one of shock and disbelief. I have never been close with my Grandma or “Maw-Maw” as my family has come to name her. I was shocked because it was like something I have known all my life to be there, suddenly wouldn’t be in a few short months. Imagine a painting you have hanging in a room that you don’t go into very often. You know it’s there, but you don’t have a strong of a connection with it as you do with the other pieces of artwork in your home as you do not see it that much. But imagine one day going into the room with the painting you’re unaccustomed to seeing only to find it’s gone. You would feel as though a piece of your home; your life was inadequate.

As I said before, I have never truly known my Grandmother. I mean I was never close with her. We shared occasional conversation but that was the extent of our interactions. Basically – I never went out of my way to go and visit with her. I felt as though my life were too busy to take time to go and visit with my oldest family member in my family. This is one of my biggest regrets. She can no longer care for herself as she has stage five lung cancer and it has spread to any and everywhere that matters. Hence the three month life expectancy, so she will not be able to make any journeys back to her home. The place she has called home for the past 30 years is a place that she can now only visit in her memories until she passes away.

As I visit my Grandmother now I learn new things about her that I never knew. The woman that sits in front of me now looks radically different than the woman I grew up sitting across the Christmas tree from. Her skin is discolored, voice sounds week and she’s breathing with the help of a oxygen machine that has to accompany her everywhere she goes. I don’t know this woman. I didn’t really the know the one I grew up with either. That’s when I realized, there’s no better time to start getting to know her than right now. While I might not know her inside and out before she dies, there are so many things I can learn that I don’t know about her now. The moral of the this article is that we never know how much time we have with anyone – especially the people we love. I might never get to know my Maw-Maw the way everyone close to her did. But trying is a start. And it’s the only card left to play.

The hardest thing

A few weeks ago, one of my closest friends met a guy. And not just any guy – an amazing guy. He is chivalrous, sweet and cares about her opinions. Which is always important in any relationship. Ever since they met they have spent an alarming amount of time together and it made me worry. But what I’ve come to ask myself is why am I worrying about this? I decided to go over all the usual factors.

Despite everything I’ve learned about being in a relationship and being happy, I can be a bit selfish. I don’t want her to be in a relationship with someone because I’m afraid it will mean that she will not be able to spend as much time with me. I’m afraid it will cause us to lose our bond and not be as close since she is spending so much time with another person. I know, it’s very selfish of me. But I can’t help the way I think. And it is wrong. Especially since she has never acted this way to me about anything, at least nothing pertaining to relationships.

And then I realized, who am I to not be happy for one of my friends. She has found something that is a positive influence in her life and makes her feel good. The truth is, sometimes the hardest thing in life is being happy for someone else. Especially when you yourself aren’t entirely happy with everything in your life. But what you realize is this person, who’s relationship you are devaluing, has never done that to you. You owe her or him the same respect. Because at the end of the day – they are your friend and that’s what friends do and that's what they would do for you.

Commendable Behavior

When I get online to work, goof off or just try to kill some time. My browser is always pointed in the same direction first – YouTube. “What do I watch next?” –

this is something that I ask myself usually once a day, especially when watching YouTube videos posted by some of my favorite Vloggers. Often times I cannot help but think, “what the hell are these people thinking?” and more often than not I usually end up fascinated by how open these people are with things such as make-up application or going crazy on camera. It is all very entertaining, I watch every minute of it…and these are men I am watching! It might sound awful, but I cannot help trying to figure out how in the world someone can love someone like them. Especially acting the way they act. Let me give you a couple of examples.

Chris Crocker – He is best known for his “Leave Britney Alone” video but this particular man has been a sensation across the internet over the past 6 years with his edgy videos and tackling red-hot topics we, as gays, face every day. The one thing that I have always liked about Chris Crocker is that not once has he been afraid to be himself. He has always pushed the envelope and has never apologized for any of the things he has done. Bravo. The audience has literally watched Chris grow up on camera over the last 5 years and it has been one crazy ride. One thing I have always admired about him is his ability to speak his mind. Going through a period in his life in which he was a cross dresser, he faced probably the most adversity that anyone in this world can face next to having an actual handicap. Chris did it well, however. However, I still found myself asking the infamous question…is that not too gay?

Gregory Gorgeous – I recently discovered this particular homosexual about 3 weeks ago. And even though I have no interest in any of his videos, I watched them for about 3 hours one afternoon. Simply because I felt as though every time he opened his mouth, something even gayer would come. Believe it or not, these are the guys that stand out the most to me when it comes to being gay. And I do not mean a romantic interest or anything sexual. I mean I admire them for putting themselves out there. Being one of only three gay men in my high school, I admire it when any gay person puts himself or herself out there. Gregory’s videos range from his favorite colognes and perfumes as well as how he does his hair. (As I said before, nothing about his videos interest me beyond his boldness and ability to laugh at himself)

John Couver – John Couver, also known as Couver87 has become one of my regular YouTube go to’s whenever I need to get some normalcy in what I am watching. John is a college student in Arizona and is probably the one I relate the most to whenever I watch vlogging videos online. He and his boyfriend have been together for over a year and are in a long distance relationship. This, in most cases, would cause anyone who is told that to immediately make a frowny face and feel bad for John. This is not the case however, as they are both very happy with one another and trust each other completely, despite being hundreds of miles apart. It is rather inspiring to me and it makes me hopeful that whether it is long distance or close to home – there is hope for me.

In conclusion, everyone is different in what they like to watch when they visit this particular site. I watch just about everything you can imagine from Vlogging videos to movie trailers to even only episodes of cartoons I used to watch as a kid. To me it is a nice break from reality and provides an escape of the most refreshing kind. I do hope to ass myself to the roster of video bloggers within the next few months so stay tuned. I haven’t yet found my direction in which I want to take them but like everything else in life, it will reveal itself to me eventually. It is my personal belief that we can all learn something from the people who decide to put themselves out there for people to hear. Without even knowing it, they have shown bravery that most people will never know themselves. And we can all find a way to respect that.

When life happens

When most people end a relationship, they think about all the things they no longer have and what they lost. Instead, what they should really be thinking about is the time they had with the person they just lost. This is something I have done myself so please hear me out. When we lose someone we love, there are several stages of grief that our bodies have to go through in order to heal itself. Anger, sadness, and feeling lost are just a few of the emotions that go through our minds. However, there is a great spectrum of possibilities that we do not realize is there until often times it is too late.

I met Mark just before my 22^nd birthday just over a year and a half ago. I can remember a particularly cold January. He and I met just as friends to discuss a professional issue I was having. It was good to finally meet and spend time with a gay man that I was not interested in other than to be friends. It felt good. We spent every afternoon that week together and after a week, you guessed it, feelings started to form.

[I had gone through a particularly rough patch with my most recent roommate and had felt burned and used. I still felt that was then Mark and I began spending time together. Just getting out of a rough relationship of sorts himself, he found himself to be quite vulnerable as well.]

By the end of that month we had quite possibly one of the most important conversations I will ever have with anyone –

Me: Would you like to meet my sister in law?

Mark: Sure!

…about 5 minutes of silence goes by.

Me: Well when you meet them, how should I introduce you? My friend, close friend … boyfriend?

Mark: What do you think?

Me: I mean, I don’t want to see anyone else. Just you.

Mark: Me too.

Me: Alright then. (cut to me smiling while confirming plans on the phone with my sister in law on the phone.)

The reason this conversation will forever me engrained in my mind is because of it’s significance. Mark is the first man I have ever truly loved and gave all of myself to. While I am young, I will never give up the idea of soul mates.

Mark and I saw one another for 8 months until we reached an impasse in our relationship. We had great times together but we both had personal issues we had to work on. I do not want anyone who might know Mark to read this and derive a conclusion so I will not list what the reasons were here. There is an upside, however. About 3 months later of not speaking and seeing one another, we decided to get together for dinner. That lead to 2 months of sleeping together and trying to be just friends. It inevitably led to us getting back into a relationship with one another. This time felt different that the last. We were stronger as a couple and I was fully myself. The last time we dated I hid a part of myself and just agree with most of the things he said in order to please him. But this time, things had changed. I was myself and voiced my own opinions. And things were fine for another 8 months. But in both of our minds, we secretly knew this wasn’t working. And so we finally had that talk … the one we had before. About it not working. We talked for nearly 3 an a half hours. We cried, laughed and decided that we would just be close friends, not lovers.

Mark and I never meant to fall into a relationship together, it just happened. Would I take is back; knowing everything I know now? Never. I absolutely treasure the time I had and still share with Mark. He is one incredible man and by far the most intelligent human being I have met to this day. I is because of him that I know no relationship, no matter how minute, is a waste of time. You learn something each and every time you have an interaction with someone. Mark is no exception. Being 8 years apart we can look at every aspect of the world differently and that’s what makes us; us.

The moral to this story is we do not choose who we meet and fall into like/love with. The thing to learn is that God, Allah, whomever you believe in has a pan for us all. It might not seem that way now, but things can and will always get better. Being alone is only a part of life. It is the part that walks hand in hand with being with someone. The great thing about life is that there are so many parts to your story. I have began to think of our relationship much like a romantic comedy - there are funny parts, sad parts, hard parts and uplifting parts. But what matters is what happens in the end. He and I have started to adapt nicely. What happens now? Only time will tell.

Lying

Lying. It is something we have all done at one point or another whether you choose to admit it or not. I have done it, and so have you. And yes, it is bad, despite what anyone tells you. But more importantly than performing the act itself is how we react and move forward once we have encountered it. It is my personal belief that a little white lie every now and then hurts no one. It is the gargantuan monstrosities that people tell you right to your face and actually expect you to believe that gets me. I can assure you, I look like no idiot. Nor do I lack the mental capacity to process such an odd thing as the truth. So spit it out already.

Yesterday afternoon I encountered a not so uncommon form of liar – the ridiculously gay “bad” liar. Like I said, not so uncommon. He was making a return to the clothing store I work at. Our return policy clearly states on the receipts be received – no items may be returned if they are washed or warn unless there is a deficiency. What was be returning? I solid white pair of shorts with a brown substance all over them. They also smelled like laundry detergent. I asked the obvious question – why are you returning these? “They just didn’t look right,” was his response. Was that before or after you washed, dried, and spilled fecal matter all over them, I thought. Instead of asking what I was feeling, I decided to take the higher road and simply processed the transaction. After that was finished I caught hell from my manager … as you can imagine. She explained the return policy to me as if it were my first day. Listen lady, I simply didn’t want to get into a bitch fight with the queen that returned them and have to put him in his place, OK? But after she and I talked and she began to walk away I couldn’t help but think about the gay guy’s actions the rest of the night. How could someone be so dishonest that he didn’t tell the whole truth about why he was returning the pair of shorts? At the worst he would have received store credit which isn’t bad at all in my book. And then it occurred to me – he was simply a dishonest person so trying to determine the logic behind his thinking was just something that could not be explained by my mind alone. At least, not if I was going to get the correct explanation. I decided to abandon the project and progress with my day.

The moral of the story is don’t lie. It’s an infectious disorder and if exposed, you might just start doing it as well. But at the end of the day – we just want people to tell us the truth, don’t we? Well it all starts with you.