An important lesson

Earlier today, I received some news that upset me, greatly. My Grandmother is in the hospital and is having trouble breathing. She has apparently been in the hospital for a few days and I am just now hearing about it. My Mom went on to tell me that she met with her doctors and they informed her that my Grandma only has about 3 months left to live … if that.

My reaction to this was one of shock and disbelief. I have never been close with my Grandma or “Maw-Maw” as my family has come to name her. I was shocked because it was like something I have known all my life to be there, suddenly wouldn’t be in a few short months. Imagine a painting you have hanging in a room that you don’t go into very often. You know it’s there, but you don’t have a strong of a connection with it as you do with the other pieces of artwork in your home as you do not see it that much. But imagine one day going into the room with the painting you’re unaccustomed to seeing only to find it’s gone. You would feel as though a piece of your home; your life was inadequate.

As I said before, I have never truly known my Grandmother. I mean I was never close with her. We shared occasional conversation but that was the extent of our interactions. Basically – I never went out of my way to go and visit with her. I felt as though my life were too busy to take time to go and visit with my oldest family member in my family. This is one of my biggest regrets. She can no longer care for herself as she has stage five lung cancer and it has spread to any and everywhere that matters. Hence the three month life expectancy, so she will not be able to make any journeys back to her home. The place she has called home for the past 30 years is a place that she can now only visit in her memories until she passes away.

As I visit my Grandmother now I learn new things about her that I never knew. The woman that sits in front of me now looks radically different than the woman I grew up sitting across the Christmas tree from. Her skin is discolored, voice sounds week and she’s breathing with the help of a oxygen machine that has to accompany her everywhere she goes. I don’t know this woman. I didn’t really the know the one I grew up with either. That’s when I realized, there’s no better time to start getting to know her than right now. While I might not know her inside and out before she dies, there are so many things I can learn that I don’t know about her now. The moral of the this article is that we never know how much time we have with anyone – especially the people we love. I might never get to know my Maw-Maw the way everyone close to her did. But trying is a start. And it’s the only card left to play.

The hardest thing

A few weeks ago, one of my closest friends met a guy. And not just any guy – an amazing guy. He is chivalrous, sweet and cares about her opinions. Which is always important in any relationship. Ever since they met they have spent an alarming amount of time together and it made me worry. But what I’ve come to ask myself is why am I worrying about this? I decided to go over all the usual factors.

Despite everything I’ve learned about being in a relationship and being happy, I can be a bit selfish. I don’t want her to be in a relationship with someone because I’m afraid it will mean that she will not be able to spend as much time with me. I’m afraid it will cause us to lose our bond and not be as close since she is spending so much time with another person. I know, it’s very selfish of me. But I can’t help the way I think. And it is wrong. Especially since she has never acted this way to me about anything, at least nothing pertaining to relationships.

And then I realized, who am I to not be happy for one of my friends. She has found something that is a positive influence in her life and makes her feel good. The truth is, sometimes the hardest thing in life is being happy for someone else. Especially when you yourself aren’t entirely happy with everything in your life. But what you realize is this person, who’s relationship you are devaluing, has never done that to you. You owe her or him the same respect. Because at the end of the day – they are your friend and that’s what friends do and that's what they would do for you.

Commendable Behavior

When I get online to work, goof off or just try to kill some time. My browser is always pointed in the same direction first – YouTube. “What do I watch next?” –

this is something that I ask myself usually once a day, especially when watching YouTube videos posted by some of my favorite Vloggers. Often times I cannot help but think, “what the hell are these people thinking?” and more often than not I usually end up fascinated by how open these people are with things such as make-up application or going crazy on camera. It is all very entertaining, I watch every minute of it…and these are men I am watching! It might sound awful, but I cannot help trying to figure out how in the world someone can love someone like them. Especially acting the way they act. Let me give you a couple of examples.

Chris Crocker – He is best known for his “Leave Britney Alone” video but this particular man has been a sensation across the internet over the past 6 years with his edgy videos and tackling red-hot topics we, as gays, face every day. The one thing that I have always liked about Chris Crocker is that not once has he been afraid to be himself. He has always pushed the envelope and has never apologized for any of the things he has done. Bravo. The audience has literally watched Chris grow up on camera over the last 5 years and it has been one crazy ride. One thing I have always admired about him is his ability to speak his mind. Going through a period in his life in which he was a cross dresser, he faced probably the most adversity that anyone in this world can face next to having an actual handicap. Chris did it well, however. However, I still found myself asking the infamous question…is that not too gay?

Gregory Gorgeous – I recently discovered this particular homosexual about 3 weeks ago. And even though I have no interest in any of his videos, I watched them for about 3 hours one afternoon. Simply because I felt as though every time he opened his mouth, something even gayer would come. Believe it or not, these are the guys that stand out the most to me when it comes to being gay. And I do not mean a romantic interest or anything sexual. I mean I admire them for putting themselves out there. Being one of only three gay men in my high school, I admire it when any gay person puts himself or herself out there. Gregory’s videos range from his favorite colognes and perfumes as well as how he does his hair. (As I said before, nothing about his videos interest me beyond his boldness and ability to laugh at himself)

John Couver – John Couver, also known as Couver87 has become one of my regular YouTube go to’s whenever I need to get some normalcy in what I am watching. John is a college student in Arizona and is probably the one I relate the most to whenever I watch vlogging videos online. He and his boyfriend have been together for over a year and are in a long distance relationship. This, in most cases, would cause anyone who is told that to immediately make a frowny face and feel bad for John. This is not the case however, as they are both very happy with one another and trust each other completely, despite being hundreds of miles apart. It is rather inspiring to me and it makes me hopeful that whether it is long distance or close to home – there is hope for me.

In conclusion, everyone is different in what they like to watch when they visit this particular site. I watch just about everything you can imagine from Vlogging videos to movie trailers to even only episodes of cartoons I used to watch as a kid. To me it is a nice break from reality and provides an escape of the most refreshing kind. I do hope to ass myself to the roster of video bloggers within the next few months so stay tuned. I haven’t yet found my direction in which I want to take them but like everything else in life, it will reveal itself to me eventually. It is my personal belief that we can all learn something from the people who decide to put themselves out there for people to hear. Without even knowing it, they have shown bravery that most people will never know themselves. And we can all find a way to respect that.

When life happens

When most people end a relationship, they think about all the things they no longer have and what they lost. Instead, what they should really be thinking about is the time they had with the person they just lost. This is something I have done myself so please hear me out. When we lose someone we love, there are several stages of grief that our bodies have to go through in order to heal itself. Anger, sadness, and feeling lost are just a few of the emotions that go through our minds. However, there is a great spectrum of possibilities that we do not realize is there until often times it is too late.

I met Mark just before my 22^nd birthday just over a year and a half ago. I can remember a particularly cold January. He and I met just as friends to discuss a professional issue I was having. It was good to finally meet and spend time with a gay man that I was not interested in other than to be friends. It felt good. We spent every afternoon that week together and after a week, you guessed it, feelings started to form.

[I had gone through a particularly rough patch with my most recent roommate and had felt burned and used. I still felt that was then Mark and I began spending time together. Just getting out of a rough relationship of sorts himself, he found himself to be quite vulnerable as well.]

By the end of that month we had quite possibly one of the most important conversations I will ever have with anyone –

Me: Would you like to meet my sister in law?

Mark: Sure!

…about 5 minutes of silence goes by.

Me: Well when you meet them, how should I introduce you? My friend, close friend … boyfriend?

Mark: What do you think?

Me: I mean, I don’t want to see anyone else. Just you.

Mark: Me too.

Me: Alright then. (cut to me smiling while confirming plans on the phone with my sister in law on the phone.)

The reason this conversation will forever me engrained in my mind is because of it’s significance. Mark is the first man I have ever truly loved and gave all of myself to. While I am young, I will never give up the idea of soul mates.

Mark and I saw one another for 8 months until we reached an impasse in our relationship. We had great times together but we both had personal issues we had to work on. I do not want anyone who might know Mark to read this and derive a conclusion so I will not list what the reasons were here. There is an upside, however. About 3 months later of not speaking and seeing one another, we decided to get together for dinner. That lead to 2 months of sleeping together and trying to be just friends. It inevitably led to us getting back into a relationship with one another. This time felt different that the last. We were stronger as a couple and I was fully myself. The last time we dated I hid a part of myself and just agree with most of the things he said in order to please him. But this time, things had changed. I was myself and voiced my own opinions. And things were fine for another 8 months. But in both of our minds, we secretly knew this wasn’t working. And so we finally had that talk … the one we had before. About it not working. We talked for nearly 3 an a half hours. We cried, laughed and decided that we would just be close friends, not lovers.

Mark and I never meant to fall into a relationship together, it just happened. Would I take is back; knowing everything I know now? Never. I absolutely treasure the time I had and still share with Mark. He is one incredible man and by far the most intelligent human being I have met to this day. I is because of him that I know no relationship, no matter how minute, is a waste of time. You learn something each and every time you have an interaction with someone. Mark is no exception. Being 8 years apart we can look at every aspect of the world differently and that’s what makes us; us.

The moral to this story is we do not choose who we meet and fall into like/love with. The thing to learn is that God, Allah, whomever you believe in has a pan for us all. It might not seem that way now, but things can and will always get better. Being alone is only a part of life. It is the part that walks hand in hand with being with someone. The great thing about life is that there are so many parts to your story. I have began to think of our relationship much like a romantic comedy - there are funny parts, sad parts, hard parts and uplifting parts. But what matters is what happens in the end. He and I have started to adapt nicely. What happens now? Only time will tell.